Heinrich-Sherlock-Holms
WASHINGTON – President Obama has awarded world renowned detective and scientist Heinrich “Sherlock” Hunziker the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his development of an armed drone system now widely used by the military to protect troops in the field. Mr. Hunziker originally developed the advanced system to target squirrels and other small animals that climbed his fruit trees in search of a meal.
Apparently Mr. Hunziker was inspired to develop the system when it occurred to him that the squirrels were exercising the same principles of asymmetric warfare against him as those used by terrorists in the Middle East. While using drone systems in these circumstances is not new, Mr. Hunziker discovered a method to dramatically improve the efficiency of these systems by channeling all the targets (in his case squirrels) to specific, known locations.
He did this by leaving out small amounts “Hoo-hoo” jam which squirrels are unable to resist, even when facing certain death. Apparently, the CIA has found the jam has the same effect on terrorists. “Hoo-hoo” jam is made at a secret location in the foothills of Saratoga, Ca following a proprietary formula developed by Mr. Hunziker’s close associate Regula “Miss Marple” Hunziker. All that is known at this time about the jam is that significant amounts of sherry are consumed in the jam making process.
Last week, President Obama broke from his prepared remarks during his weekly press conference to congratulate Mr. Hunziker and describe the challenges he experienced in reaching the award winner. After trying to reach him by phone for one week without success, Mr. Obama sent SEAL Team 6 on a special assignment to establish a phone connection.
Unfortunately, the mission failed as the highly trained team was stumped by a century old switch box in Mr. Hunziker’s residence. When Obama made a connection several weeks later, he found that no one ever picked up the phone no matter how many times he tried calling. Instead, he was confronted with a threatening answering machine message that sounded like a line from a Terminator movie: “YOU HAVE REACHED THE HUNZIKER ANSWERING MACHINE, (PLEASE) LEAVE A MESSAGE!!” He then tried calling Mr. Hunziker’s cell phone only to hear an equally inviting message: “YOU HAVE REACHED MY CELL PHONE WHICH IS ALWAYS TURNED OFF!!” The NSA then informed Obama that according to their surveillance of Mr. Hunziker’s internet use, he spends 99.99999% of his free time online on his computer.
Mr. Obama then sent him an email asking him to contact him about the award. However, due to Mr. Hunziker’s daily routine of eating a leisurely breakfast and then reading virtually every online news source before starting his day, it took considerable time before he responded. In fact, the NSA found that after reading standard papers such as the New York Times, CNN, and the Wall Street Journal, Mr. Hunziker would read dozens of other papers culminating in such scholarly highlights as the Egregious Hippogriff of London, the Unterrified Democrat of Linn, Missouri, and The Tombstone Epitaph of Tombstone, AZ.
